What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 00:28
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
If an abortion doesn’t affect you, why do people make it a big deal?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was seconnd youngest,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What did i know ?
If Jesus was crucified by Governor Pontius Pilate, why does the Quran deny his death?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
My life is so biszare .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why are Indians so influenced by the Western culture, when the Indian tradition has so much to give?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was scared of men, in general
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What's the gayest thing you have experienced on an only boys sleepover?
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I write beautiful poetry .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
When she asked me how she looked .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She found it foreign!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
New species of dinosaur discovered that 'rewrites' T.rex family tree - BBC
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
How does gut health affect mental well-being?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why is dating so frustrating and difficult for a guy?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is soul school!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was very sick at this time too.
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i lived it daily.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were not on the streets..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It was going to be , some day.
My family never makes their pension either.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im still living with it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She loved him until the end.
But it wasn’t much.
Put me off passion for life!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She wouldn,t have been !
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She married twice! .
I was 9 years of age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So whats the point in blame.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
(And it was in our own minds.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Would this be the day?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But, we were locked up after school.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I will be 64.
I don,t even have a pension.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot live in the past .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He knew the spot.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I have no regrets .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I waited trembling.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I said to her
Why did i forgive my father ?
Comes on , in middle age.